Untitled (Not Sure If This Belongs Here)

I packed my backpack with nothing but a blank slate, a new hope and a tad of pride. I took off; I escaped and found myself being confronted with the very thing I am escaping from.

It is not that bad, it is nothing special, it is nothing isolated, it is something given… anyway (sigh). But it hurts and affects me a lot. Not because I am better, not because I am different but because I wanted to be proud.

Maybe I haven’t been far enough or have chosen the wrong place but they (or bitterly we) are basically just everywhere. I sometimes appreciate that I can camouflage myself and get lost in the crowd of other nationalities. I sometimes don’t dare correct them if they think that I am from another continent in the south, it is sometimes better that way though it hurts. Deep inside I take pride of the person I am but the world seems to have judged the skin that I am wearing or the passport that I have and there seems to be no discussions that can be had over it.

It pricks in the heart that in the background you hear you is a familiar English accent in a conversation with a foreign guy while she tries to sell the trade she have – her body for a night. She left with him, deal was done, and I tried to hide my face from their gaze as they walked pass as I am ashamed if I will be recognized to be coming from the same country as she is.

Is it a good thing that my English sounded more American, more real and authentic, even other tourists from my country think that I grew up in the USA? I sometimes say yes if they ask even if most of my life I lived in the islands. It is somehow safer to be thought of as someone well-off than the other way around… though I am not rich and not even well-off, I just don’t need much.

This is just part of my frustrations being a Filipino. Being looked down and treated with distrust. While having dinner before I go for a long bus journey, a lady asked me from which country I am from. Clearly, she is not sure if I am Asian or not, I said the Philippines. Then there was sudden change in her facial expression, more of a disappointment and she told me, “You know, 10 Filipinos are in jail now for stealing money from foreigners here. They follow them and they get the money. They also come here illegally.” Not a good news and enough to lose my appetite. When will I hear a good one, aside from Manny Pacquiao?